Ask CRUSHABLE: How can I feel confident without alcohol?
Dear CRUSHABLE,
Lately I’ve been struggling with feeling sexy/confident while sober on first dates. It’s like - as soon as I have a drink I can relax and take charge, but before that I’m just an awkward mess. I don’t want to be dependent on alcohol for own my dating life - please help.
Regards,
Feeling Unsexy and Sober
Dear Unsexy and Sober,
Have you ever considered edibles? Just kidding! Not kidding.
In all seriousness - been there!
Dating is the worst. Who wants to have awkward small talk with some dude who’s going to regale his university basketball days, offer you a bump of cocaine in the bathroom then try to make out with you in his car? It’s no wonder we’re all collectively dependent on alcohol while single - it’s the only thing that makes the whole process bearable.
I’m an all or nothing kind of person - when single, I go at it hard like it’s my job, because who really wants to be alone forever? I once went on seven dates in one night. I scheduled each date back to back and allotted myself one hour per person. I started early - happy hour for the first date, finally finishing around 11pm for the last. Why this worked: I had to drive from location to location, and because I knew I was meeting so many different people, I couldn’t stomach the usual 2-3 drinks per date I would normally allow myself. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to get to the next one, not to mention requiring the stamina to drink 14 - 21 beverages in one evening.
While this doesn’t address the root of your issue, it’s a “fake it til you make it” Bandaid suggestion. Until you’ve sorted out the reasons for why you don’t feel secure, you’ll probably always need a little Nerve Clicquot.
Have you always dealt with social anxiety? Personally, it wasn’t until I reached my mid to late 30’s where I felt genuinely OK entering spaces or events totally sober without internally melting down. I attribute it to a multitude of issues that run the gamut of being bullied, growing up in a super strict household, failing classes, and being fired from a bunch of jobs.
If you've never dealt with your shit in a real way, it’ll always find a nasty way to manifest itself - bottled up emotions literally cause disease. Harbour enough trauma and stress internally, and it’s no wonder you have no idea how to self soothe or manage to get through a one hour date without booze.
This type of stress isn’t an easy one to tackle because it’s so unique to each person. My suggestion: let it out. All those skeletons in your closet? Start by getting them all out in a journal. Repeat as many times as necessary until it’s less triggering to ponder. Next, move on to telling a family member or friend, until it becomes just “a part of what makes you, you”. Finally, make it public knowledge. Share it on social media or use it as a powerful way to connect with a stranger.
I kept a lot of secrets about myself for a long time - it’s no wonder I felt uncomfortable in social situations where I would be asked to talk about myself! What if they inquired about something I was incapable of or uncomfortable disclosing? I can feel my heartbeat quickening, the telltale reddening of my cheeks, and the sweat trickling down my back just thinking back to so many of those times where I was existing in utter fear.
Anxiety is fear of the unknown - those hypothetical scenarios played on repeat in your head causing unnecessary worry. Resilience is the antidote to this - so in addition to addressing your skeletons, work on putting yourself in as many uncomfortable situations as possible. Move to a new city. Travel to countries that’ll make you feel like a fish out of water, and stay there for a few months, so that you intentionally never feel quite at ease. Try psilocybin for a total removal of ego (with the assistance of a professional to guide you, of course).
Take ownership of who you are, warts and all, and you might just realize that the anxiety slowly fades away over time.
I hope this helps,
Laura
