Traditional Winery Switches All Wines To Screwcap

Determines Enough Boomers Have Died To Not Cause Issue

Contributed by Tommy Twist-A-Lot

After years of debate, tumultuous conversations with mostly conservative guests, and a relentless wave of crumbling, tainted, and failing corks, notably traditional and uptight Okanagan winery, Newman Cellars, is finally switching all of its wines over to the ever-popular and convenient screwcap closure. The sudden announcement came as a shock to the wine industry, with proprietor Norman Newman obnoxiously speaking out in favour of cork culture as recently as 2021, demonizing screwcaps as “symbolic of the degradation of the fine wine culture that myself and other whites worked so hard to build”. He also funded a public smear campaign against leading screwcap producer, Stelvin™, in which he appealed to a mostly waspy audience with the tagline “Wouldn’t you rather get corked than get screwed?”

So, why the sudden change?

“The truth is, it wasn’t the rising price of cork, the irretrievable loss of revenue from tainted bottles, or even the fact that as I age, I get insecure about comparing myself to some of the longer ones in the bunch. Our loyal customers were telling us for years that they wanted cork, and that if we didn’t give them wine under cork, that they would start buying other wines.” Loyal and sophisticated customers, indeed. Newman continues, “The plain fact is that most of our customers are now dead and we don’t have to worry about pleasing them as much, especially at a 10% loss due to all the shitty corks out there.” 

Newman is remaining optimistic despite some early backlash, notably from former Conservative Party leader Andrew Scheer, whose campaigns Newman had made large and very non-anonymous donations to. “Newman’s knee-jerk change to screwcap is an insult to the legacy of the heteronormative and sometimes closeted men and women like myself who helped build his winery’s reputation as a 91-point machine. This bastardization of wine culture is nothing more than unchecked liberal privilege at work. He let the woke wine mob get to him; I’ve drank my last bottle.”

With most of Newman’s baby boomer wine club members having croaked at this point, the last remaining question is this: Who will buy all the wine? 

“We’ve got a plan for that. Our appeal is universal: black, white, Spanish or Mexican or whatever they are, and millennials- they’ve got cell phones, their parents have lots of money. We’re reaching out to them. We’ve already started a Facebook page so we can be where those new customers are going to be. We’re posting all the time and we’re feeling really good about it,” Newman added, though one industry millennial mentioned that Newman seemed to not understand that comments he made on posts could be seen by the public. “I’m optimistic that this is a change for the better, and that we’ll continue to produce world-class wines, right here in the Okanagan Valley.”

OGV Press - Penticton

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